Advice on Relationships

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Author:
Rebecca Ishida

We all want love. We all want to feel needed, nurtured and cared for. We also want to give love and nurture others. Sometimes, this desire for a romantic relationship becomes unhealthy, even toxic. How do we know when our desire for happily ever after has become all-consuming, addictive? And when we are aware of the addictive nature of the relationship, what do we do?

1. Are You Addicted To Your Relationship?
Relationships can act in the same ways as drugs and alcohol. We can use relationships to make us happy and fill the emptiness we feel in our lives. If your relationship is physically or emotionally abusive, but you find yourself constantly trying to please your partner no matter what, this is a clear addiction. If your relationship is not abusive, but you find yourself planning your whole life around your partner, you may be codependent and addicted to your relationship.
Courtney* (not her real name) was with her boyfriend for two years. It was a whirlwind romance and she thought she had found her soulmate. Six months into the relationship, she found herself feeling down and in fear of losing the relationship. In therapy, she was able to see that she had fallen hard for her charming boyfriend. As time passed, he had become controlling and she was constantly trying to please him. He was the barometer for her mood. How ever he was feeling toward her set her mood for the day. She no longer made the choice about how her day would go; he did. Courtney continued to put her boyfriend first and lost sight of her own individual goals.

2. Do You Put Your Relationship First?
Courtney began to feel more depressed and her other relationships and work suffered. She was so focused on pleasing her boyfriend that she forgot about her own needs. Courtney needed to reexamine her goals and her life. What did this relationship bring her? Did it enrich her life, making her feel stronger, supported? Courtney realized that her boyfriend was top priority and she had handed her self- esteem over to him. He was in control.

3. What Now?
Courtney now saw how damaging this addiction was becoming. With addictive relationships such as this, we need to identify what is happening and then look at how to recover. This does not always mean releasing the relationship. Sometimes it means we need to work on ourselves. Often times, we need professional help as unresolved childhood issues have a great deal to do with our present relationships. Our past is powerful and we often reenact our family of origin issues. Courtney began to make the link. Her father was a controlling alcoholic and this relationship with her boyfriend was familiar. Working on her past and clarifying her goals began the work toward healing. Courtney began to set appropriate limits with her boyfriend and took time to focus on herself and her goals. Her depression began to lift and she put herself first.

Rebecca Ishida, M.A., MFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in West Hollywood, CA. She has been in the field for over 9 years and is in private practice. She can be reached at http://www.rebeccaishida.com/.

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