Advice on Relationships

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Author:
Tim Connor

“Whatever,” “Fine,” “OK,” “Nothing”—these are just a few of the comments that people make when they are indifferent to some aspect of the relationship. Continued indifference is usually followed by apathy, then total withdrawal and then finally emotional as well as physical separation. All of these can have a devastating affect on communication, trust, respect, and even whether you like your partner.

If it is easier to hide your true feelings or beliefs than argue about them, you may have an un-safe relationship. What do I mean by a safe relationship? It is one without:

- judgments - invalidation (see glossary) - personal agendas - retribution - negatively delivered criticism - blame - psychological games

It takes time for people to realize that their relationship is not safe. If you have an un-safe relationship, you do not need to shed all of your opinions, beliefs, and values. However, if your partner feels as though it is necessary to tiptoe through the relationship, the relationship probably lacks true honesty and communication about feelings, fears, desires, or needs. I will also bet there are a lot of negative, non-verbal signals between both of you.

Everyone experiences fragile stages in their relationships from time to time. If, when your partner is experiencing one of these states, you choose to criticize them, I guarantee that they will defend themselves by either withdrawing or attacking. Both responses can lead to increased relationship stress and more hidden agendas.

A hidden agenda is when your partner wants to say something but doesn’t because they doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or just want to avoid conflict. Either way, communication suffers.

I have experienced indifferent feelings while in a relationship, and my partners have done the same with me. I can tell you that if these feelings of indifference are not dealt with, they will destroy the relationship. I did not say these feelings will END the relationship. Many destroyed relationships may actually last months or even years before their formal ending. How could a relationship be failing, when both people are acting as if it were fine? There are too many reasons to list, but it is generally for one of the following reasons:

1. Fear of the unknown: “I know what I have if I stay. If I leave, who knows what could happen in my life?”

2. Lost hope: “I guess this is the best I can do. No sense in trying again or starting over.”

3. Settling: “I’ll never get what I want in a partner.”

There are three choices everyone in a relationship can make:

1. Change your partner or his behavior. 2. Accept your partner and his behavior. 3. Leave the relationship.

You may be in between these three: You can’t change something, but won’t accept it; or you can’t accept something, but won’t leave. If you suffer from one of these variations, I guarantee you are putting yourself under a great deal of stress, and this stress just makes everything worse.

Tim Connor, CSP is an internationally renowned sales, relationship, management and leadership speaker, trainer and best selling author. Since 1981 he has given over 3500 presentations in 21 countries on a variety of sales, management and relationship topics. He is the best selling author of over 60 books including; He can be reached at tim@timconnor.com, 704-895-1230 or visit his website at http://www.timconnor.com

A Quick Note From The Publisher... If you like the article above, you may be interested in the following article which is also related to Improve Relationships... Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated. Title: Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 704 Category: Relationships Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. Takers and caretakers – they often seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic that I encounter. Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic – that is, they are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and admiration. The taker attempts to control getting love, attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive touch, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or emotional drama. The taker uses many forms of both overt and covert control to get the attention he or she wants. Takers not only want a lot of control, but are often afraid of being controlled and become overtly or covertly resistant to doing what someone else wants them to do. The taker might resist with denial, defending, procrastination, rebellion, irresponsibility, indifference, withdrawal, deadness, numbness, rigidity, and/or incompetence. In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that “You are responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that I am okay.” Caretakers, on the other hand, operate from the belief that “I am responsible for your...